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Old Salty Balls


Legend has it that there was once a dog forged from equal parts steel and awesome sauce. It was said that this dog, upon entering his Golden Years, would set sail across the world and leave a wake of love, where it was earned, and fear in the souls of those who dare try to stop him.

The prophecy has become true, my friends. Behold the legend: The Magnificent Mango AKA Captain Salty Balls AKA Sausage Paws AKA Teddy AKA Pimp Little Teets. My friends, this is Martini.

We figured we should introduce this little man to you now, since he will be playing a prominent roll in our adventures. He is in many ways the captain of this ship. Not that he is downloading our GRIB files and obsessing about the next anchorage. Instead, “Neener” is more concerned with crew moral.

If you have spent the last four hours wrestling a pump into a backwards little area of your lazarette, and you are starting to throw tools all over the place and combine four letter words into new meaningful combinations, “Senior Chi-Chu” will demand that you stop and take a walk with him on the beach to calm down. Once satisfactorily renewed, he will allow you to go back to your work all the better for it. That is the mark of a true leader.

Gentleman Sailor

No great man is without his faults, however. I fear that if a strange mutt tries to walk down “Teen’s” dock, Teen will hump that dog mercilessly. It is a demeaning act. He is, in short, pissing on their cheesecake. Another foul trait is his propensity for butt sniffing. It is bottomless, all puns intended.

Time spent sailing
20%
Time spent sleeping
50%
Time spent sniffing butts
30%

All in all, we are glad that this fearsome, four-legged creature has taken on the daunting task of leading us on our adventure. We feel safe knowing that no man could possible sneak onto our ship in the middle of the night without awakening a sniveling, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror!

So there it is. Our introduction.

Captain Martini

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Will Rogers
Cowboy and one helluva guy

Comments (2)

  1. Nancy Steelman

    Knowing how Martini loves the rank smells of life, he especially appreciated you, Chris, during your fungus and cheese phase. I hope it’s over for now. Your blog is hilarious. #notyourmom#yourlovingaunt

    Reply

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